it’s sometimes disconcerting when people tell me to savour these years that my son is still so young. that this stage passes by so quickly it’s all over before one knows it. while some part of my brain accepts the logic, there’s something i don’t get: why is it so darn hard to do just that?

how am i supposed to enjoy battling over every single thing with jan? how am i supposed to derive joy from listening to his whining and tantrums? is it supposed to be cute when jan does exactly the opposite of what i say, or when he says “lass mich in ruh’ (leave me alone)” when i point out that he’s got his shoes the wrong way? how can someone tell me “that’s normal” when i complain that i have to ask jan 20 times to open his mouth so i can brush his teeth properly, considering we have been on this routine for the last one and a half years?!

they say that the baby’s first year is the most exhausting period. physically, perhaps. but those who coined it the “terrible two’s” must have had kids like jan. sometimes i am just so exhausted. i am just so darn tired of treading that thin line, of trying to let him know his boundaries without breaking his self-confidence and without him seeing me as the enemy. i hate it and berate myself doubly, each time i find myself yelling at him. i haven’t gotten to the point of hitting him, but i have to admit, there were instances i was so damn near it, i had to grind my teeth.

i don’t like losing my temper. i don’t like yelling at my own son. and please, i don’t want to reach that point of hurting him physically. but it’s so trying, it leaves my nerves raw. why does instilling discipline hurt ME so much? now i realize what my own parents meant with the ‘riddle’ they used to say: “mas nasasaktan ako pag pinapalo kita.”

no, i’m not asking for a meek and obedient child who’d only do as i bid (god forbid!), but do i always have to gather the dregs of my patience at the end of every single day?

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