i have to admit it wasn’t love at first sight. when i first saw you, i nearly didn’t want to accept you from the midwife handing you over to me, bloody and wiggly and rotund face all disfigured and discolored. now, three years hence, i look at you and i still wonder where you came from. i marvel at each and every milestone you reach, big and small. your first step, your first try with the scissors, your first argument. even from the start, you were headstrong and smart (and i didn’t say that just because i’m your mother). you knew what you wanted and worked your way to get it. you demanded “attachment parenting” and i was happy to oblige. and now that you’re three, you show and insist on your independence and self-reliance more than ever. but i secretly smile at the knowledge that, til now at least, you do need me more than you care to admit. because my son, there’s no other person in this world who knows you more than i do.

you’ve made me happy. (like any child his mother, i guess)
angry. (like any child his mother, i guess)
tired. (well, i’ll say ‘like any child his mother” again, but i’s getting redundant, eh? just let me tell you that i breastfed you for more than one a half years. that should explain the tiredness. a fraction of it, at least)
sad. (you’re growing up too fast!)
frustrated. (why won’t you ever hold my hand when crossing the street?!?)
hopeful. (that you’d turn alright despite having a mad mother like me)
scared. (that you might not)
paranoid. (my fear of flying got worse since i got you)
joyous. (from one day to the next you went to the loo to take a leak. hallelujah!)
excited. (to see what you’ll become)
suspicious. (it’s always a bad omen when you turn quiet)
worried. (your new carer at the kindergarten looks really exhausted)
content. (when i look at you while you lay sleeping, i begin to think i can’t be that bad at parenting).
curious. (sometimes, i just want to know how your mind works)
pensive. (do you love me, too? even when i sometimes scream at you like a banshee?)
proud. (how could i have made something like you?)

… and a myriad other emotions i can’t put a finger to. tonight i’ll read you a dr seuss book which you don’t particularly like, but captures some of the stuff i want to tell you:

congratulations! today is your day,
you’re off to great places, you’re off and away!
you have brains in your head.
you have feet in your shoes.
you can steer yourself any direction you choose….

happy 3rd birthday, jan!

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